Treat Them Like Our Own?

When I first joined the school, there was a meeting a week before the beginning of Term 2. We had the meeting in the library. The meeting was chaired by the CEO, and the Founder was there too. The Founder made a speech, and in that speech, he mentioned: "We have to treat each child as our own, then things will turn out alright." - in brief, he was merely trying to tell the newbies that we have to treat them well, the way we do our own children. I was touched; to me, it made a whole lot of sense because if we don't love them, there's no way they would love us and pay attention in class.

Six months had passed (a tad too slow), and I realise that whatever the Founder had said was just his words of wisdom. I have tried to be nice, to be a "parent" to them, but it backfired. They won't listen but would continue with what they were doing at that time, be it chasing their friends, talking too loudly or not doing their work. Maybe I wasn't strict enough from the beginning, but then, they are not my kids and teachers are not allowed to impose physical punishment including getting them to stand on the chair. When they cause trouble, I tried talking nicely to them but it didn't work - not the primary kids whom I'm teaching.

I began to think... 

It is easy for others, particularly those who have never been teachers - or those who assume they know what it's like to be one - to tell us to treat students like our own children. This is pure fallacy; it's just fatherly talk. In reality, we can't treat students that way, not in this era. Firstly they aren't ours; we can't impose our rules on other people's kids because they may rebel (one of my students recently spread rumours about his teacher because he dislikes her), and their parents may not like the way we try to mould their children. Heaven forbid, they may even sue us if we say or do things that we know is right, but to them it's wrong. Secondly, those who offer such advice to teachers have dealt with only two or three children (of their own); they may not even have brought them up by themselves!! They obviously do not know the problems that we have in dealing with hundreds of kids of various backgrounds, varied attitudes and different upbringings. We deal one student differently from another, and we certainly can't help all, or even ten of them, given the amount of teaching load and non-teaching duties that we have per week. Some are able to accept our ways, others are not. And when things get too heated up due to the number of students teachers have to handle, they would not be motivated and will end up being burned out just trying to educate the recalcitrant or obnoxious ones. Teachers are humans, so they do get stressed out easily if the expectations are too great but the results too insignificant.

So, do we still need to treat students like the way we treat our own children? Nope. Students don't want another "mommy and daddy" - they already have enough naggers at home. Perhaps the Founder was trying to make his point across metaphorically, not literally. I don't know. Go ask him.

It Will End Some Day

Long ago, Malaysia is known to be a safe haven for everyone because there's no natural disasters like volcanic eruption and earthquakes. The major floods that we experience here each year can be attributed more to human activities than a natural event. However, things have changed now.

The recent earthquake in Sabah should open our eyes wide. The tsunami that hit Penang years ago should tell us that something bigger is coming our way. We have got to be ready; the government has to make plans for any eventualities of massive earthquakes or tsunamis years down the road (or sooner). 

Yes, priests and ulamas will proclaim in their weekly sermons that all this is happening because there is a prophecy that the world is coming to an end. The Christians believe that it is the second coming of Jesus. Other religions would have their own prophecies. It's not a joke. No matter what you call it, this earth won't last forever. It will be destroyed millions of years from now, but there are already signs of earth's destruction. We can already see it.

Apart from praying each day for our safety, for mercy, we also have to do our part to ensure that life is preserved as much as we could. 

Let's all pray that the government would take pro-active measures to address this issue, and not sweep it under the carpet, taking it as just a one-in-a-million occurrence. Let's pray for Sabahans, the victims, and pray for Malaysians.

Breaking the Bubble

I was chatting with a friend on WhatsApp recently, and I got this message:

"Get out of this bubble u r in since you are not happy being there. If you are, then it's alright to be stuck in the bubble."

This is definitely not about soap bubbles that kids blow to entertain themselves when they're bored. It's all about getting out of my shell - the hardened shell that refuses to even crack. I managed to break the shell once when I went out of Malaysia to work in Singapore in the same profession. Two years later, I was thrown out due to my sternness, so students refused to be enrolled into my class. Kids these days just want fun. What happened next was that I returned to my old shell - teaching in a primary school. Despite being a private school, everything is just the same as before I had left the country. In fact, I think it's worse.

This bubble that I'm talking about - it makes me wonder. Will I ever break it? It all boils down to myself - do I want to break it? If I do, then am I willing to make sacrifices? I have to leave my home, I have to forego coming back home as often as I'd like to, I've to let mom live on her own and not bother if she's worried about me and I have to ignore what others think of my decision to break the bubble. Even if I decide to stay where I am, but just change jobs, I'd have to face some of these concerns. 

I've been asking myself just one question. How is it that others could just pack their bags, leave home, travel thousands of miles, relocate to start a new life without a care in the world - or knowing that others at home could care for themselves - while I can't seem to budge? Okay, to be fair, it's not that they're heartless beasts; they just do what they want because it's their life. So, would I dare to do that? Maybe I was programmed with empathy and altruism at birth, so before making any rash decisions, I need to think of how it would affect others, especially my family members.

Are those two innate elements the cause of my reluctance to break the bubble and venture into a better world like many others? Is it the fear of uncertainties, or a combination of both?

Hmm... it's something to ponder seriously and make a stand or else I'd be stuck in the bubble for all eternity - and it's not alright for someone who gets bored easily.

Decision Made

After much thought, I have finally decided that I should leave the school I'm teaching now.

This morning, I was literally breathless, and didn't have the energy to yell at the kids who were too noisy. Had to force my voice out three times before they settled down. I believe kids these days are too affected by their phones and other gadgets as they are so engrossed in their own virtual world that they don't even know that an earthquake is happening in the neighbourhood. Call them once, no response. Call them the second time, they'd grunt while their eyes remained glued to the idiot handheld screen. Raise your voice the third time, then only they'd put down the gadget and do what you tell them to. This habit is carried to the school environment. That explains why it takes at least three yells to get a 99% attention from students.

I have decided, I can't do this anymore. I'd be insane, and I'd be ruining my already-weakened body. Stop talking crap about thinking positive. When you're in my shoes, in my environment, thinking positive wouldn't help you at all. You can't just say: "Oh, it's alright. They're just kids - maybe I'll learn something from them." or just a delusional: "Well, never mind. Tomorrow will be a better day." - seriously? Then how come I end up yelling in order to get just ONE person to listen carefully to my instructions to get just ONE task done? After yelling then only she got it right while the rest remained absolutely silent for a good five minutes (only).

It's not that I've just joined this industry. I started when I was 18. I'm now 48, so you do that math. That's a whole lot of lung abuse, not that I enjoy doing it. It just gets worse as time goes on. If I had been a smoker for the same duration, my lungs would be almost charcoal by now. Years of yelling seem to have similar effect - the breathlessness, the dull physical internal pain of the throat and lungs. But my lungs won't turn black. It has probably either shrunk, or inflamed!!

I'll be writing the letter in a couple of days. I'd have to source money to pay the school for breaking the contract - that's a five-figure sum all in the name of protecting my sanity.

People have given up on me because I complain too much. Whatever. I have the right to live a good and healthy life and shouting at people is not one of them. I know that I will somehow get back into teaching again at some point after this because I don't have other skills which I could use to diversify into another industry... but at least I wouldn't be yelling as much as I have done for decades, particularly the past 2-3 years. It's not a good way to die.

Time to Decide Again

The desire is getting stronger. I'm not talking about lust here.

Each day passes with lots of agony inside my troubled soul. My temperament and inability to cope with the new generation of hyperactive kids are taking a toll on my sanity. Each day I come back to my small room, lamenting that another day would come, and I'd be yelling again. Each day I dread waking up having to take a short drive to school along the badly maintained road. My 5-year-old car cries each time it hits a pothole.

Do I have a choice? Yes I do but the trouble is, I don't have the money to pack my bags and leave. I still have another 12 months to go before I can call it quits, and even when I do eventually,  I need to know what lies ahead. I can't be jobless for months. A short break abroad would be nice - hopefully with a partner, if I could find one. That's still far away.

I thought that being in Singapore was bad. Well, to be fair, it was extremely challenging mentally and physically for two years but then I had support from my girlfriend (now ex) who had to listen to my dumb complaints each day and night while I don't listen to hers. However, coming back here was (and still is) a nightmare!! Who says life is good across the causeway? Certainly not in the school where I teach or even in JB. Nothing seems to be right at all. The location, the people, the environment in my rented apartment - sucks.

How long can I hold? I doubt I could wait for that 12 months to lapse, looking at how I feel each day. Some people can turn negatives into positives easily. I see kids running around like monkeys in the computer lab, am I just gonna think "Oh they're just kids and they help pay my salary". I have the urge to pull them aside and smack them in the face for misbehaving. Westerners would sue me for abusing the kid, but this is not a western country. Asians teach kids differently, but of course we don't just spank or smack kids without a reason. We are not lunatics or anti-kids. Read "Tiger Mom".

Do I have a choice? The answer is still yes, but if I choose the road less taken (by quitting and paying for breaking the contract, which is a good five-figure), I had better prepare for what the future holds. Be prepared for wagging tongues and name-calling but who cares? They're not in my shoes. There are friends who are suffering more than I at work, yet they are not leaving. The reason - "I have no choice." - yes, they have mouths to feed, a family to care for.

No one ever reads my blog, unless they bump into this by accident. So those who happen to drop by and read till here, do pray that I make a decision soon.

Not Moving On

Another weekend has passed by. I look forward to weekends as it means not having to empty my already-weakened lungs (I do have some kind of pneumonia-related problem from before). I try to keep myself occupied with my new PlayStation Vita which I got last week; I go to movies more often now than I did in the past 47 years of my existence. I had to do something, including school work on weekends to keep my mind from being idle. Yet, despite my efforts, past incidents keep haunting me.

At the Shopping Mall

Each time I go there, my intention is to just browse around and do window shopping, or go catch a movie, or have a great dinner at a pricey western eatery. Well, I do all that, but when I see couples holding hands, or families eating together with a kid, I feel empty. I look around and see nice girls but then I can't touch them as I'm close to half a century old; I don't have that look and physique that make heads turn and tongues wag. My eyes would wonder, but I'd immediately look at the reflection on the ceramic floor, continue walking, knowing that those are the untouchables.

At the Cinema

It's a good way to keep myself entertained. I had not watched a movie alone when I was still attached. Even after the break-up, I never ventured into going solo to the cinema, but I've started doing it too keep my mind sane, for I don't want to think irrational thoughts when my mind is idle. But in the cinema, I see couples having pop-corns together; I see families with kids, while I'm sandwiched between them. I just wish I could walk out immediately but then I would stay on and enjoy whatever's left of the movie.

Behind the Wheel

I enjoy driving. I used to drive my loved one to random places at night just for a ride before bedtime. Now that I work over 220km from my hometown, I look forward to taking a 3-hr drive home. It could be very tiring, having to focus on the road. Turning on the radio would help but a little as the songs keep repeating. I end up turning it off halfway through my journey. The rest of the time, my mind would wonder about what the future lies, and why I couldn't learn from my mistakes. My car would be left on auto-cruise. When I get back to reality, I suddenly see the road in front of me again.

In School

I have lots of work to do, thanks to the students, who keep me on my toes. Sitting right in front of me is a nice young lady. Every morning, her teacher boyfriend would sit next to her and chat about work and other stuff which I don't quite understand as they speak Mandarin mostly. Then there's another couple - both expatriates. I don't know why I have to see all this so I end up confining myself to solitude in the staff room. Yes, there are singles among the teachers. There's one attractive girl, and another slightly chubby but moderate. Alas, I just stay where I am, refusing to make that move because I don't like to be rejected, and I don't want history to repeat itself. My ex-wife gave me a second chance but I blew it. My ex-girlfriend gave me a few chances, I was still as temperament as before (worse as time went on). So I'm not going to risk another relationship and hurt another woman. 

23 May 2015 (today)

It has been about months since we physically went separate ways. Our relationship however, had ended months before that without even my knowing that it was over until one fateful day I saw a message on her phone. It was a fleeting moment when I happened to turn around and saw the "I love you" message from her new man. That's when I started enquiring, and that's when she spilled out all the badness in me.

I had been advised to seek help from a psychiatrist because of my tantrums and temperament. Honestly, I was hesitant at first, but when I wanted to, I discovered that the consultation fee was ridiculous @ SGD$120 per hour excluding medication (if any). I erased that thought completely and prayed that I'd naturally change a bit. I could see that it hasn't as my mom is often the "new" victim of my sudden outburst when I get really annoyed about things. 

Yeah, one day, I'll go get that treatment that my ex-girlfriend had suggested, By then, she'd have already migrated to Canada, UK, Australia or anywhere else with her new-found love except remain in Malaysia. I know she won't forget me, as we shared a life once but she had to let me go as she just couldn't take all the verbal bashing anymore. I just feel so useless and worthless. Failed relationship. Failed career. Thankfully, I'm still strong enough to wake up each day and face whatever comes my way.

Weekends are a relief to me; they are also a nightmare. I still think of my ex-girlfriend daily, and how those nice messages suddenly stopped streaming into my handphone, giving me a hint that it was all over... a hint which I didn't notice until God saw it necessary for me to see it when I saw the "I love you" sticker on her Viber that fateful night. I was hit real hard, but I deserved it well.

I've wanted to do things to forget the past - simple things like deleting her phone numbers, unfriending her on Facebook, deactivating my account but I know that wouldn't solve anything. She'd not be happy because she has regarded me as a good friend - I think. I don't want her to be sad because she is actually a really kind-hearted and responsible person. You're one bloody lucky man, Mr New Guy.

Now, I have to find a way to get out of this shell and start all over because she already has a new life. How do I move on? I get all kinds of motivational messages but what is stopping me from following them? Yeah, it takes time...

Not Really Unexpected

What do people say about expecting the unexpected?

21 March 2015:

This evening, I checked my phone, and there was a WhatsApp message from an ex-colleague telling me to apply for a job at my former workplace. It was indeed a tempting idea but then, I'm still tied to my present school for another 12 months. My bond ends in June 2016, after which I'd be free to go anywhere I like, or stay where I am now - the latter which I believe will not happen when the time comes.

True, I did not expect such "good news" to come at a time when I'm mentally, emotionally and physically drained to the core. I pray silently each day that the day passes quickly so that I could come home to my rented abode, and retract into my shell. If I had it my way, I'd just empty my kitty of my hard-earned savings and pay an amount equivalent to a term's salary (that's approximately four freaking months!). I could go home to my mother, eat proper healthy food and literally go back to where I come from. Alas, it was not meant to be that way. Given the current situation, I had to forget about going anywhere as long as the bond is still in force.

If I leave, I'd be wasting a good RM15,000 (approximate amount) of my blood and sweat. That's FIFTEEN THOUSAND in local Malaysian currency, not in rupiahs. Secondly, I'd be leaving my responsibilities midway for other teachers to take over from me. Well, I have my principles - I don't let others clear my mess. I'd stay on till the end of the term before bidding farewell. Others would just say that I'm stupid for making myself suffer so long. Well, I don't care. I'm just not that kind of person. I do the job, I finish it albeit the annoying and sickening hurdles unless something untoward falls on me that would result in my early employment termination.

Expect the unexpected, but also sometimes, it's just God's test for us to see how determined we are to continue or to hang on to whatever difficulties we have. There's nothing to be too excited about such unexpected news especially when you realise moments later that it feels like someone poking fun at you when they know jolly well that your hands and legs are shackled to a boulder, thus you can't move.

So when I get such unexpected "good news", I'd just be calm, and make a decision. For now, my decision is to stay on in this desolate place till next year. And then see if there's any more good news to come then.