What to Do?

Last night, I prayed for a sunny morning as I wanted to cut the grass. It had been raining; the weather has been unpredictable in recent months. This morning, the sky appeared gloomy but God answered my prayers, the sun shone brightly by 8:00 AM as I was having breakfast at the mamak stall eating my favourite roti canai and drinking fresh cow's milk.

I didn't waste my time getting the grass cutter. As I was cutting the grass, I saw my neighbour. We exchanged greetings.

"Good morning, holiday ah?", the neighbour asked.

"No, I'm on leave - yesterday and today."

"Your wife working?", he said with a smile. He and my ex-wife are colleagues but in different faculties.

I sheepishly replied, "We're separated already."

My neighbour was stumped. "What do you mean separated?"

"We're divorced." Short and straight to the point.

"Ah?? What happened??" he exclaimed. Can't blame his ignorance as he's seldom at home till lately.

I shrugged my shoulders. What more could I answer?

"But... her parents came the other day right?" - he was still in a state of disbelief.

"If recently, those were my parents. If it's long ago, probably hers."

"So now you stay alone?" he asked. Yes, I don't have another woman in my life.

He shook his head. "So sorry..." - and there was a pause. "Sad la," he countinued as he looked at me. "Nowadays, things are different..."

I looked at him. "Yeah..." that's all I could utter. Then he continued with his work. As he turned around, I heard him repeat to himself, "Sad la".

I continued cutting my grass thinking of our conversation.  Each time someone asks me "What happened?" I just could not respond as I'm partially to be blamed too. As the blade of the machine rotated, I kept asking myself why on earth this is happening to me.

After the divorce, I live alone - except on weekends - while my ex-wife lives with her parents every single day about 300 meters away. Other neighbours could testify that I don't bring women home. Strangers have eyes to see that each time I go out, I'm alone unless a colleague wants to have lunch or dinner with me, which very rarely happens. Go ask any pub owner and see if they've ever seen me before. I'm made to look like the state's No.1 criminal... well, maybe I'm a criminal in the making - damn me.

I'm trying to be happy but each time someone asks that question, I'll reminisce and feel sad. I've lost a wife,  I only have me. Each day I pray that I've enough strength to live on, and live with the fact that there will still be questions like "What happened" and "Do you still keep in touch with her?" till it's time to leave this world; it doesn't matter if I remarry or not.

I finished cutting the grass in an hour or so.

"Hello!" the neighbour called again.

He handed me some mangoes. He plants a mango tree in his garden.  He is an Indian, and to the Hindus, mango leaves are hung above the door frame for blessings. I guess he felt sad for me but grateful that he has a family. Perhaps this kind gift also symbolises blessings that Mr. Siva, my neighbour, is passing on to me.

Thanks, Mr Siva. I need all the blessings I can get... and may God bless you and your family too.