Need a Change

I'm back after a long absence.

Things have changed a lot. For one, I'm much, much older, and I'm growing more silver hair. Yes, I've had much more experience work-wise and in relationships, but I'm still the same old me. For those who already know me for years, you know what I mean.

I have been through a complete cycle as a teacher. Throughout my close to three decades in the teaching profession, I have taught in very rural and urban government schools, an international college, a private university, a tuition centre (in Singapore) and am currently in a private international school. Throughout these long years, I have been struggling to see if I could fit into the teaching fraternity. I tried, I failed. I tried again, and I failed again. For thirty years, I was not happy; I thought I could be a great teacher, but I wasn't. Well, to be fair, I did help a student or two. I did earn myself an Excellence Award in 1996 - my little success stories which I'm happy about. Nevertheless, I was still truly undoubtedly discontented. For years, I complained about my job every single day to online friends so much so that they kinda gave up responding, and to my girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) till she'd just get so fed up of hearing already. 

Now... after nearly 30 years, it has come to my realization that teaching has NEVER been my forte. No matter how hard I tried, I'd end up getting really upset (with kids and the Management) and frustrated (when students don't get the results I want and I end up getting blamed). No matter how much I tried to manage my temperament, I would get riled up, flaring at the kids or physically "threatening" them when I could not tolerate their obnoxious behaviours. I can't tell the other teachers as they too yell at the kids daily, so all my pent up anger is left inside my cold soul. Consequently, now, I hide in my shell.

I have been such a recluse in this new school, in my own world 90% of the time as I'm just too numb to interact. I don't feel the joy of talking to anyone unlike before. Maybe it's because I'm an alien on Planet JB. I just have no more interest in my work, going through the daily monotony of a teacher's life. Don't get me wrong; I'm thankful to God for giving me a job when I needed one most, a high-paying one by local standards (don't compare with Singapore or KL). I'm thankful that He has opened my eyes by bringing me here to JB city to see what it is like to teach again, and to make me see that this is not what I really want. Money obviously can't buy happiness. The joy of job satisfaction would. This I have not tasted.

Every night, for the past 5 months, I'd be waiting to chat with someone, anyone on WhatsApp, or see something to comment on Facebook. Or just rant and rave on FB to let the online community know that I'm going bonkers after going through one broken relationship after another, and a messed up life. YES, there is no point lamenting, for I could never get back what (or whom) I have lost, but just strive as hard as I could to move on and on and on till the pain disintegrates gradually. "Go to church", "join the gym" were some of the suggestions. There is a mental block, and I must unblock it before it causes more harm to my overall health.

I HAVE TO get rid of old memories both good and bad. It's all over... everything past is over. I need to start new - it's easier said than done, but I need to. I have to have faith in God in order for this to work. Right now, I don't. That's the saddest part.

So ...