The Middle Finger

Every morning when I wake up, I try bloody hard to make my day look good. However, it's easier said than done. Forcing as much as I can to be OK, my mind suddenly goes on auto pilot, takes over and ruins half the day. I just don't know how other singles or "singles" do it - but then, maybe they're in a different position.

You know the feeling? You wanna get on with life - that's what people have been telling you, and that's what you really want to do - but each time you thought that you're on the road to freedom, it hits a snag, you pull back and get into a depression all over again.

Sometimes, I am successful in handling my emotions. I come to office feeling euphoric, that nothing could stop me from feeling great, and that things will be fine today. Well, it always doesn't last long. I don't know why. People have advised me to join this and that to help me get back on my feet; well, I did join this and that, but maybe I've not been commtted enough. Perhaps it has something to do with my level of stress the day before and will continue to increase. Who says teaching is "an easy job" just because we have "nothing much to do", "get to go home early" and have "many holidays"? Fuck you, if you have this notion. We have other unseen and unappreciated duties on our plate besides moulding teens into useful and knowledgeable citizens.

Now, if I add work-related stress to my own personal stress, what do I get? A total wreck!! If not for my logic and some supportive "Samaritans", I'd have dug my own grave and be buried long ago; it's because of logic that I'm still holding on till today. Ironically, this logic is not helping me to make good, solid decisions. So I end up fumbling, and falling down real hard over and over again. It's hard for me to understand how some people's lives appear to be cut out nicely for them - perhaps it's their "karma", or God bless them more - I donno. Yeah, yeah... I know on the surface things look good for them, but who knows what problems they have, eh? You look at them... wah, so "easy" life; they get what they want. Don't ask also sometimes they get, and you wanna be like them, but you know it's stupid because you can't be them, let alone be like them. You're just who you are; so just live with whatever meagre luck you have been blessed with. I'm not looking at materialistic stuff - that's just not me. I don't wish for the latest gadgets for Christmas or a big win in Magnum. I'm just trying to look for ways to be happy... is that too much to ask? How do I tell my brain to stop fucking things up, and let me live a cheerful and contented person like many of you out there?

So, here comes the big question. What am I gonna do to make things better for me?

Answer: ... just continue PRAYING and BELIEVING in the power of prayer that I will never have to go through this immense internal suffering. I just wanna be FREE from the shackles of this trauma, and be the normal person that I used to be a long time ago. Don't be fooled; praying alone isn't enough. God won't come down to Earth and rescue me. I have to DO something to make it work.