The Routine

It has always been a routine the past two years. I wake up, brush my teeth and do my daily business on the throne. Then I change, and have breakfast at the nearby cafe or kopitiam. Then I'd sometimes go to NTUC to get my weekly groceries. In less than a hour, I'd be back in my rented apartment in the central area. 

I turn on my trusted Lenovo notebook, and begin cracking my head on what to prepare for my students that range from Secondary 1 to 4. I need not worry about those kids from Primary 3 to 6 which I'm also teaching because the worksheets have been prepared by a team of teachers. I'm often lost, but I have to thank the Internet resources, as well as the books that I've invested to help me through each day. Staff at POPULAR bookstore must be smiling each time they see me at their premise. Work doesn't officially begin till 4:00 PM - wait, before you say "Hey, I wish I could go to work at that time", think again. Despite starting late, I unofficially begin at 8:30AM at home, and spend a good 2 hours preparing worksheets for my unappreciative students - or perhaps it's my worksheets that are too simple (or too hard) for them. By the time I get back from work, it's close to 11:00PM, feeling weary. So when others are ready to go to bed, or literally rolling in bed with their partner, I'm just getting ready to eat dinner - or should I say, supper.

I work 6 days a week; weekends are a full 8-hour job from 9:00AM, which means I get up about 6:00AM and get ready to catch the bus, MRT or LRT (sometimes all three) so that I'd be on time to have breakfast at my destination (it's a different location each day). There's a lot of talking involved in my line of work, and when a large class is filled with boisterous kids, then my voice would be raised. There would be silence but it's only temporary, for the whole cycle begins ten minutes later. Kids these days have short term memory, or they're just hyper-energetic, I guess.

My only day off is on Monday. Take note that it's a "DAY OFF", which means I don't have to be physically present in class, but being the perfectionist and scardy-cat me, I'd spent half my off day doing preparations for the next week. I know other colleagues would just ignore work and go lay at the white sandy beach, hang out with friends, or shop till they drop, but I'm somehow "different". I feel guilty if I don't do any work, for that's what I'm paid for. Often, I end up getting very uptight or frustrated when my preparations boil down to zero when students refuse to do the worksheets as they are just too exhausted after their regular school hours. I won't blame them, but then, they're paying me to learn something - they fail to see that. I'm not a master teacher or the best teacher ever, but I have helped a couple of students pass the O-Levels when they had failed just a year earlier before coming to me for help. I've had a parent begging me to continue helping her daughter at secondary level even though my schedule is filled to the brim. So, I'm not that bad, right?

When I share all my grouses above with my girlfriend or friends, they'd tell me things like "hang in there" or "you must know what is it that you want in life". I often compare myself with other friends of mine who are less qualified academically but more successful now. I sometimes wonder if the Master's in Computer Education degree which took me seven gruelling years to complete (part time) was all worth it. I was an assistant lecturer at a renowned Malaysian university, and later a lecturer at a business school in Singapore, but now I'm a measly English tutor here. I've told myself NOT to compare or feel bad because despite being "demoted", I'm actually in a better place, and a better position now. Honestly, I can't agree more with that. It's an experience that not many of my ex-colleagues would have.

So what now?

I don't have a freaking clue, except that I know I've started to drag my feet to work - and that's always bad news for me when that happens. Yet, I don't have a choice; I have to earn a living by helping my students as much as I can to the best of my ability, and not bother much about whether they're in class to study or just to waste their parents' hard-earned money. Those who want to study, will; those who don't and expect the class to be an entertainment club, they won't. I don't have time to sit with them to counsel them as I'm not doing face-to-face personal tutoring. 

What's the worse case scenario?

I hope that this will not happen - having to say goodbye and going back to where I came from, and start looking for job all over again. It would be excruciating painful to my emotions and to my wallet. MTMY (anonymous friend) once warned me that I wouldn't survive working here, but I've so far proven that person to be wrong. I wish to continue for as long as I can... if not in this organisation, in another - perhaps in a different profession where I could proudly tell others: "I'm very contented with my job". Until that day comes, life will be a routine.

It's 11:46AM now, and in 2 hours, I'd be at the bus stop... and another (to transit) to get to my place of work at Marine Parade Rd.

Culinary Fun

When I was a teen, I used to watch my mom and my late grandma - I called her "Mak" - cook. Occasionally, I'd boil rice for the family using an electric rice cooker. Being the eldest in the family, I've just got to learn those little things, I suppose. Little did I know that these little things were vital later when I started work.

When I was posted to the rural school in Sarawak, it was the first time ever that I had to cook on my own. No mama, and certain no Mak to guide me as to what ingredients to put into the wok. I still remember having to use a kerosene stove to cook my first plate of rice. There was no electriciy in the village. The rice turned out half-cooked as I was unable to gauge the amount of water to use - hey, it's not an electric rice cooker, ok? And the rice was somewhat different. Nevertheless, I still ate the rice with a can of sardines. I survived. No stomach ache :)

Later, I learnt to fry vegetables using edible ferns which the locals call miding. I got more creative and fried them with sambal ikan bilis, and an egg. It wasn't long when I became an expert in cooking rice using the kerosene stove. I got so good at it that I could just leave the pot on the stove, go to class, then walk back to the house just in time to see the rice being almost cooked.

When I got married, I went much further. With the help of my ex-wife, I picked up recipes for nasi beriyani and chicken stew. I also got more creative by adding a concoction of sauces in the dishes that I cooked. Of course, I never inherited the culinary peranakan skills that Mak had, though. Still, for a man, the skills that I have is sufficient to please my FORMER parents-in-law. They tasted the nasi beriyani, and they liked it. Well, they can now have nasi beriyani at a mamak stall or an Indian restaurant if they want.  Bad me... hehehe.

The nasi briyani (taken from my other blog)

My chicken stew (also taken from my other blog)

Anyway, now that I'm all alone again, I've stopped cooking. It is more practical to pack food from the economy rice stall nearby immediately after work. Sometimes, it's cheaper that way. I spend an average of RM3.20 for three dishes per dinner, while on weekends, I'll stay at my parents' place to have home-cooked meals. If I'm just too tired or lazy to buy food, I'll cook instant noodles with eggs and vegetables. On some days, if I'm tired of Chinese dishes, I'd opt for "nasi kandar" from a nearby Indian-Muslim (mamak) 24-hour eatery. It costs about RM7.50 for meat and two types of vegetables like the one below which was  taken out of the microwave oven.

 This is what I eat sometimes - nasi kandar

Have to get used to being single once more. Psst...here's a secret. I don't know how to buy the ingredients but I could somehow visualise the taste, though not 100% accurate :-)

My Precious Job

Solve this riddle: "It was once highly sought after, now it's almost bottom on anyone's list." - so, what's my job? If your answer is "a teacher", then you're absolutely right!! Too bad, there's no prize for making a correct guess.

I joined the education sector in 1990, and my first posting was to a rural school in Sarawak, in a small village called Nyelitak. I wonder if that village still exists. The school definitely isn't there anymore due to under enrolment - there were only forty students when I was there. It was a wonderful experience, though scary initially. I didn't know anyone, yet I had to mingle among the natives; I found that they were really good people. I came back to Malaysia (civilisation!!!) 3 years later, and had to re-adjust my brain to suit the "new" environment.

Sekolah Rendah Kerajaan Nyelitak, Simunjan (background: school building, foreground: canteen)

I continued teaching till 2000, and then I decided it's time to move on. Never mind that I'd lost all the benefits of being a government servant; I wanted something new. So I left Malacca and teaching, and joined a private firm in Petaling Jaya as an Educational Consultant. Wow... really great - a consultant, huh? Actually, I was more like a Training Executive for the company's educational software sold to schools. I met a couple of new friends there, two of whom I'm still in touch with. I wonder what happened to my really cool boss. Anyway, I didn't last long there as I'm never a city kid, so I seized the opportunity to return to Malacca when there was a vacancy at a newly established college here. I joined late 2001 as its pioneer language instructor.

Things went smoothly, I got to know more friends. Then there was hanky-panky in the management and heavy internal politics that had affected the staff. Finally, after securing a new job, I left that college early 2005 and joined a private university. The pay was much lower, but who cares. I knew I made a good move. Here's where I met my wife who dumped me 3 years later. The colleague who introduced her to me has now gone into hiding. Gosh, she must have thought I'm the bad one. My ex-wife's good; I'm bad... as always, men get the blame.

I've learnt a lot in this university. I've got great, helpful colleagues, and a personal office (with a room mate), so there's kinda privacy. There are lots of stringent policies to adhere to, but never mind - it's a small matter. I'm happy here but like many other private sector employees, there will come a time when I've to leave this place with sweet memories.

In my humble office

Yup, there's no pension for me when I'm 55 years old, which means I've to keep working till I can't breathe anymore or till my future wife (if I'm lucky enough to get one) tells me: "Hey, old man. Enough of working la." :-)

That's life at work for the time being.

A New Beginning

I became part of the divorce statistics in early 2010. You know what? Both of us didn't want it to happen, yet it happened. Yeah, it was partly my fault too. However, I am not gonna put all the burden of this divorce onto my own shoulders, as in a relationship, it takes two to tango. Whatever it is, I'm not a womanizer and I don't rob wives from their husbands. And, yes, it could've been reconciled, but I just let her go in peace since she and her parents (yeah, they came over with her to announce the divorce to my parents) don't want me into their life anymore. So be it.

How's life been after that? A simple answer: Very traumatic initially.

The first two months especially were excruciatingly painful for me. I was absolutely lost, and I felt like a zombie. I didn't know what the heck I was doing at the office, and each day I wondered what had actually hit me. I talked to friends, relatives and online buddies. They gave the same advise..."Move on with your life" - and that's about it. They then left me all on my own. Mom and dad advised me to start socialising and meeting more people. Only one person has been around till today to try lift me up back on my feet. The attempt has been quite successful.

Here's a list of what I did to try get back my sanity:

• subscribed to online MSN matchmaking (wanted to look for new partner)
• joined Tzu Chi (wanted to meet more people)
• played badminton (to get some exercise)
• bought a new Digital SLR (to relive my former hobby) 

Did doing all that help? Very little because till today, after 6 months of being single, the painful thoughts recur. I realise that I have been too quick in trying to solve my traumatic experience. If you pour boiling water into an empty glass immediately, chances are, the glass will crack or even break! But if you pour it gradually, it won't. That's the analogy of my life then. I was too quick in trying to get out of the cell, and it nearly cost me my own life. My blood pressure (BP) shot up to 169/80, and that's really bad. I checked my BP again yesterday morning and it was down to 128/80 - almost normal. My BP has been fluctuating over the past months. Only now, it's beginning to stabilize.

Lessons learnt:

• never start looking for another relationship immediately
• get involved in an activity or two but don't overdo it
• the emotional pain lingers for a certain duration
• some friends are not friends at all
• do whatever you can, but let Nature take its course
• expect nothing, and you'll probably get something

I've written an article. Read it here. It was published in the New Straits Times recently. You'll get to know more about me in my future postings.