The Party that Wasn't

Last night, my parents and I were invited to a cousin's house for a house-warming dinner. It was a small yet nice house - it was a cozy home. I was looking forward to it until more people came in, and they started talking. I felt ... alone because previously, each time I attended a dinner or a function, I was accompanied by my ex-wife. Throughout the dinner, though I have seen many of them before, I remained silent and sat in a corner. Much later, I gathered the courage and managed to talk to another cousin of mine for a while.

Then the elderly aunts and my dad started talking about the family tree. They were curious how we are all related. One of them, Aunt Ruby, who knows my family and I well started taking notes and drawing the family tree. I was curious so I got to the table and watched. She was drawing up my family tree. She asked for my name, and I gave it to her.

"Eh, what's your wife's name? ..." she asked. She knows that I'm divorced. Dad protested: "No need!!" but she insisted that her name should still be in there. Not knowing what to do, I just gave the name to Aunt Ruby, though I felt awkward. Dad still protested but kept quiet after that.

Then a younger cousin whom we have never met started taking photos so that she knows who her relatives are. She called every one she knew last night, who is related to her.

She called my parents and I for a snapshot. "Eh! Your wife?"

I just said: "No", and mom also said: "No wife"...

I couldn't wait for the party to end. It was like waiting for all eternity for the party to end, though eventually I did talk to Aunt Ruby who's talkative as usual.

You know, people are usually so excited about attending gatherings and parties because they know it's gonna be plenty of fun and socialising. I wonder... when am I going to be able to attend parties without feeling alone again. The food was undeniably tasty, better than the ones I ate at some of the wedding dinners I had attended... so the food was the only thing that I looked forward to last night.

A friend whom I recently met said that when she lost her fiance long ago, it took her four years to pick her life up again; it was too traumatic. Her statement freaked me out. Four years is a very long time to suffer, and I wonder if I'd be in the same boat. It's easy for others to tell me ... "Move on, forget about the past" ... but they're not in my situation. They have never felt what it is like to lose someone and stay alone. Even some friends would stay away from us because they don't want to be dragged into sadness... in the end, you have to fight your own battle - I have to do that.

Life is unfair... really unfair. But that's life. It's also just luck and karma that things like this happen. Those who don't believe in karma would say that it's God's work; He has plans for me. No matter what, the pain will continue to linger.

When is My Turn?

When I browse blogs, I notice that many parents write about their children. You could actually follow their personal development on a regular basis, and how these parents handle situations. In each of these blogs, I see descriptions, photos and even video clips of the happiness that a child brings to the parents.

When I found my ex-classmates whom I've not seen in over 30 years on Facebook, I chatted with them, and they proudly say that they've kids - one even has six of them - and they've a family photo album on display. When they asked me "What about you? How many kids?", I knew what I had to reply. Yeah, of course I've another ex-classmate who's also in the same boat as I am, and there are thousands who live a joyful single life till the end of time, but that's not the focus here.

When I see my brother carrying his child, I see love, peace and joy. I would certainly like to carry my nephew each day but I can't, for he is not my child. It would be a joy to see your child turn, crawl, walk and ultimately talk at different stages of their lives. It is euphoric to hear the first babble and then the call for mommy and daddy.

Each day,  I have a great dream that one day - one fine day - I'll be a father and experience fatherhood like the rest of you. I don't know if I'll be a good father - I've lost a chance to be one. I don't have a clue if I'll ever get a second chance. Maybe better not because I've a bad temperament, and I'm impatient.

When is my turn? Don't ask because there's no answer; don't expect because it is gonna hurt... Only God knows.

But to all parents - new or experienced - out there, be thankful that you have a bundle of joy that was given to you by the Almighty. It doesn't matter if they're michievous, very naughty or throw tantrums every second. That is your gift. After all, they're kids - white sheets of cloth ready for you to paint pictures on them. Educate and treat them with kindness, respect and love; they will reciprocate. Eventually, the picture you get would be a very pretty and memorable one.



Representation of a Plant

I was in the garden this morning. The weather was sunny, and a plant caught my eye. I grabbed my camera and took a close-up shot with it. Well, I used the "Live View" mode and manual focus to capture this interesting shot which I think represents my present life.



Close-up but not close enough. Next time, I'll try using macro.



You see the cute little buds growing? They represent me, my family and others around me. Coincidentally, there are three leaves, too. Each of us will grow, experience new things and then die - just like the plants and any other living beings. Like the three buds on this plant greeting a new day, all of us have something new to experience; in my case, I've to start a new life and hopefully bloom into something nice. With constant water, sunshine, fertilizers and care, I'm sure the buds would grow well. And I will too, with regular positive encouragement, smiles, words of wisdom and love.

We will all grow old, and I do hope that before I'm too old, I'll see new buds again.

"The new beginning...."



Me, the Writer

I love to write. I've written articles to newspaper editors, poems and a real life story which appeared in the Reader's Digest about 8-10 years ago - I was paid US$500 for that. I'm not a good writer; I don't have enough flair for writing a full-blown article or a short story.

Recently, a colleague coaxed me into writing an article in a commemorative magazine for the Peranakan Association of Melaka (PPCM). I was rather reluctant initially as I knew it's gonna take time, but I love sharing what I know about my peranakan culture with others, so when the Secretary of the association approached me one day, I agreed. I was told to write two pages.

Last night, at the 110th Anniversary dinner, the magazine was sold to guests. Writers were also given a token of appreciation for their contribution to the magazine. Here's what was published:

Front of the commemorative magazine

The 2nd and 3rd page of the article

Guess what? I was also given a special token in the form of cash! That was a real surprise to me. This token was presented by the President of the Melaka PPCM. I walked up proudly on stage to receive this gift. I felt like an important person for a fleeting moment under bright lights and with two cameras facing me. It's a darn waste that I didn't bring my camera or else I could blog about the dinner.

"So, you're Kevin, eh? I've heard a lot about you." the president said as he gave a broad smile and shook my hand. Gosh, I really don't know what people have been telling him about me - I hope it's good, or maybe he was just exaggerating, I don't know. My father is a far more prominent person; I've always remained low profile.

"Come more often to the club," he added just before I left. Well PPCM has a club where members entertain themselves with songs, dance and games. Honestly, I don't go there because it's always at night, and I'm not very sociable. Maybe when I retire, I'll think of joining them.

For now, I've to work... and maybe some day continue writing heavier stuff - romance novels, sex tips etc.

Now I Know Who They Were

I've never thought I'd do this, but I did it yesterday. My parents wanted to visit a relative, and I took this opportunity to bring my camera along so that I could take shots of days gone by. I've been to her extra long colonial house since I was a little kid, and I've been intrigue by some of the photos I saw hanging on the plastered walls. The condition of the black and white photos have not changed a bit. I got to know that those are photos of my ancestors, whose relationship to me and names I never knew - or probably have forgotten - till a couple of days ago. Here are the photos:

Great Grandfather
Mr Chua Lip Tay

Great Grandmother
Mrs Ong Him Neo

Great-Great Grandmother
Mrs Lim Heng Neo

Grand Uncles

You'll see a bit of reflection on each photo as I dare not climb a chair or take them down in case something unfortunate happens. These are some of my relative's personal memorabilia not to be seen elsewhere. The photo of my grand uncles was originally taken in 1933 during the Wangkang Festival. Since there was no colour film at that time, each photo was hand-coloured. That's just amazing.

Well, I'm proud to say that I now know who my ancestors are though I still don't know what they did or how they had contributed to the Peranakans or Straits-born community. Maybe one day, I'll find out... yeah, one day.

I'm on a Diet with a Difference

OK, I've to admit it. I'm concerned about my weight - very concerned. Therefore, I'm going on a diet BUT with a difference. I need to stuff myself with food because I'm LOSING weight. Well, the amount of weight loss isn't too great but I'm having trouble putting on my pants because it keeps falling off even with a belt, and there's nothing nice to see behind the pants... I think I need to add between 5-10kg to my current weight to look nice.... hey, wait! Am I vain? No, I'm not. Men wanna look nice too.

I was very scrawny as a teen. When I started work, I put on a bit of weight, but when I came back to Malacca, I lost those hard-earned pounds. It took me years just to gain 4kg!!! Then I got married, and in the three years of marriage, I put on more weight, and the scale almost hit 70kg. from a mere 59kg, which is good to me. That didn't last long, though. Almost immediately after the divorce, I failed to maintain weight. It kept sliding downward. It has been 8 months since it happened, and I'm now down to 64kg. My height is 175 cm., and if the calculation is correct, the weight is still within the normal range.

To some of you, this little weight loss is absolutely nothing to be anxious about (I hope), and I know that stuffing myself with junk food and fast food is not a good way to increase weight. My appetite has been good; so has my ability to sleep. I don't know if it is my work, lack of happiness or something else that has been stopping me from gaining weight again.

I will never be overly depressed with this weight loss, yet I know if it keeps dropping, something must be wrong. Perhaps I need a change of diet... and a wife to cook nutritious home-cooked food for me. Maybe I should just go work in a restaurant instead of teaching. I want to add a little more flesh.

Long Holiday...what to do ah?

The office was deserted today as many Muslim employees have started their Aidil Fitri leave. So I took the opportunity to sneak out of the office early - I hope my boss isn't reading this. I'm not working for the next TEN days - that's right... 10 days of holidays partially because we were forced to take 3 days off. The rest are special holidays and weekends. I'll start work on ... on.... err... well, who cares? I can't remember but I know it's a Monday. So what am I gonna do?

I don't know. Perhaps I'll continue blogging regularly for 10 days, or rejuvenate my interest in photography. My poor Canon DSLR has been gathering dust in the cupboard for months already because I've been busy with classes, and I leave it at my mom's place most of the time... sigh. What a bloody waste of money; there are people who want one, yet they couldn't afford to own one.

How about travelling? Nah, I don't travel alone. It's no fun travelling without someone you love. Somehow, I'm not a lone traveller.

So what am I gonna do for 10 days? If I blog about it, that means I'm doing something; if I don't, that means I'll spend a lot of time sleeping and being a couch potato.